Blah, blah, blah.  Blah.
Beef Kurtain songs have words.  These are the words to the Beef Kurtain Songs.
Don't pretend you've never wondered what the fuck we're talking about. 
Now you must sing along.
All words by Ely the Lyrical Genius.
(except for 'Monkey Butt', which was stolen from Ely's gramma)

Britney Spears
Britney Britney you set my hormones in a rage
I had an aneurysm when I heard you were of age
If I said I wanna sex you up would you color me bad
Or would you smother me in O.P.P. just to make your mommy mad?

Britney Spears- There's a hunger deep inside me
Britney Spears- And I need you to feed it
Britney Spears- I'll buy you a big fat juicy corn dog
Britney Spears- Just to watch you eat it

Britney Britney I'd kill the Backstreet Boys for you
And if N'Sync generates a stink I'd waste those pansies, too
I'd  slide down a 50 foot  razor blade if you kissed my better half
Or suck all the snot out of a dog's nose until he whistles out his ass

Britney Spears- It's safe to say that I got issues
Britney Spears- But I can still be your man
Britney Spears- Don't forget that big fat corn dog
Britney Spears- That juicy mother lovin' corn dog

Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Oops, I did it again

Britney Britney you make my dreams so sweet
My favorite is the one where I sniff your bicycle seat
Warm from your taint, tacky like paint
I'd wake up all sticky now don't you find that quaint?

Britney Spears- I hope I'm not beginning to scare ya
Britney Spears- How 'bout a three-way with Christina Aguilera?
Britney Spears- Just over look I'm over 30
Britney Spears- It hurts my heart that you're so purty

Britney Britney you make me feel so pert
You make me want to touch myself until I friggin' squirt
Ride me like a pony, no I ain't no phoney
I'll stick my finger up your butt and call it macaroni

Monkey Butt  (hear it!)
Baboon and a monkey were sittin' in the grass 
The monkey stuck his finger up the baboon's ass
The baboon said "Oh my god, bless my soul!"
"Why don't you stick your finger up your own asshole?"

Pot
When the world has got you down
And life just generally sucks
All your plans seem to fall apart
And everything is fucked

Listen to me and don't get mad
There's no reason to feel sad
Things don't need to seem so bad
All you gotta do...

Is smoke some pot
Just roast a bowl
Roll a big fat spleef
It'll soothe your soul

Won't make your problems go away
But it'll see you through to another day
Just smoke some pot
Yeah just smoke some pot

When your friends are being turds
And your girl dumped you again
Your hamster's dead and your dog ran away
And you feel at your wit's end 

Listen to me and don't get mad
There's no reason to feel sad
Things don't need to seem so bad
All you gotta do...

Is smoke some pot 
Snarf up a hit
Get real cheeched
On some killer shit

No matter what your parents tell ya
A little doobie isn't gonna kill ya
Smoke some pot
Yeah smoke some pot

When the world has got you down
And life just generally sucks
All your plans seem to fall apart
And everything is fucked

Listen to me and don't get mad
There's no reason to feel sad
Things don't need to seem so bad
All you gotta do...

Is smoke some pot
Smoke a phatty
With your daddy
A boom-ba-latty

Chinese eyes, paralyzed
Stoned to the bone and totally fried

Come on kids let's smoke some ganj
And we'll be cool, just like the Fonz

I said heyyyyyy...

Everott
I Think I just died and gone to hell
No it's just Everott
Come on and kiss me where it smells
Down here in Everott
Out here we won't outgrow our mullet
It's the rage in Everott
Here's my finger why don't you pull it?
Get a whiff of Everott

Our fragrant pulp mills will make you hack & cough
Don't read at the bus stop, we'll think you're showin' off
Although Kenny Loggins is still alive
Best thing outta Everott is I-5

I Sing this song to represent
All my homies in Everott
Stay tuned for the main event
Let's burn it down in Everott
Tell you true this town rocks
Camel toes and crack hos
>From Jimmy Z's to the Cat Box
We got dumb fucks in pickup trucks

Our fragrant pulp mills will make you hack & cough
Don't read at the bus stop, we'll think you're showin' off
And even if Kenny Loggins never dies
Best thing outta Everott will still be I-5

Chris McFeron
Oh Chris McFeron 
Don't be a fool for her love
Oh Chris McFeron
You're not the one that she's dreamin' of
No matter what you do
That girl will not sleep with you
Oh Chris McFeron
Don't be a fool

Oh Chris McFeron
You ugly little troll
Wanna open up a shoe store
In your fucking asshole
Don't matter what you got
Everybody only wants to smoke your pot
Oh Chris McFeron
Don't be a fool

Oh Chris McFeron 
Your gullibility knows no bounds
Oh Chris McFerron
It's for your own good as mean as it sounds
Now that you bought that bitch a bass
That skeasy scammin' skank don't wanna see your face
Oh Chris McFeron
Don't be a fool

Fish Taco (oral sex trilogy part I)
It was steamin' in the kitchen
With the exotic scent of spice
When she said "Are you Hungry?"
She didn't need to ask me twice
But when I saw what she was servin'
I was reluctant to try it
She said "Try my Fish Taco
Or you're goin' on a diet."

Oh my god bless my soul
It's a fish taco, a lovely fish taco
And it's kinda rare like a California roll it's a fish taco
Help me, I've got nowhere to go to escape that fish taco
And I gotta eat it 'cause she says so It's a fish taco

She said "try it I'll like it
Come on I'll serve ya some"
So I closed my eyes 
And I stuck out my tongue
It was kinda moist and briny
I felt my interest thicken
It was like Mexican seafood
With the consistency of chicken

Oh my god, bless my soul it's a fish taco, a lovely fish taco
An acquired taste that doesn't let go- it's a fish taco
Now that I've tried it I just can't get enough 
She said she'd try my chorizo & huevos and actually swallow the stuff

Patrick Swayze
This world is full of tough guys
Like Arnie and Stallone
And some of them may be Thorogood
Or Bad to the Bone
Van Damme likes to kick
Chucky Norris likes tight pants
But tell me this and tell me true
Can those bastards dance?                             

And that's why-
Patrick Swayze- you drive me crazy
Hold me tight beneath the neon lights
I need some romancin', a little Dirty Dancin'
Won't you let me see what lurks beneath those tights? 
Those tights

I'll be your little Pony Boy
I won't treat you like no Outsider
Do I stand a Ghost of a chance 
To be your naughty Rough Rider
I'll give you all of my Wong-Foo
And most of my Wang Chung
There's just one thing that I want from you
And it's on the tip of my tongue

And that's why-
Patrick Swayze- you drive me crazy
Hold me tight beneath the neon lights
I need some romancin', a little Dirty Dancin'
Won't you let me see what lurks beneath those tights? 
Those tights

I'll be your saucy butterbean, I'll be your randy Wolverine
We'll stay up all night and watch the Steely Red Dawn
You'll be as happy as you've ever been
You'll want to notify your Next of Kin
'Cause I've got Uncommon Valor that just goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and motherfuckin' on

Puckered Sphincter
Got an awful itch
That I'll never catch
In the sphincter of my ass
That my fingers ache to scratch

Oh oh no- Got a sore
In my puckered sphincter
It's a hemorrhoid in the center of my butt

Almost got it
With the nail of my pinky
Went to sleep with an itchy butt
When I awoke my fingers were all stinky

Oh oh no- Got a sore
In my puckered sphincter
It's a hemorrhoid in the center of my butt

How I hate this painful swelling
I'm bouncing off the walls
I'd get fist-fucked with Noxema
But I just don't have the balls  

Oh oh no- My puckered sphincter
Got a sore
It's a hemorrhoid in the center of my butt

Ate Yo' Mama Out (oral sex trilogy part II)
Saw your mama just yesterday
And that bitch was ready to lay
Made your mama gimme head
I wiped my dick on your dad's bedspread

I Ate Your Mama Out   good god, sweet Jesus

Your mom's a ruthless gutter tramp
Licked her twat like a postage stamp
Let her lay me down in the tall grass
Flipped her over and I buggered her ass

Shoobe do wop, Scooby de doo
Kajagoogoo, goo goo gajoob
Bananarama, ob la dee  ob la dah
Oingo Boingo, I fucked your ma

Your mom's a skank-ass hubba slut
Stuck my penis up her butt
I pulled it out, she licked it up
Nearly made me wanna throw up

I Ate Your Mama Out

Your mama wanted some cunnilingus
I told her only if she fingered my dingus
She yanked my crank and she gave it a spank
I made a deposit in that old sperm bank

I said I Ate Your Mama Out

Take it all, bitch
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Mama I'm comin' home

Kitty Kat (hear a nifty version!)
My kitty kat craves chicken, my kitty kat craves milk
My kitty kat is the Antichrist, 666, carved in his paw
I know he watches as I'm sleeping, but there's nowhere that I can hide
That Satanic feline sacrificed my goldfish, had my puppy crucified
He burns black candles, chants in Latin, wears a collar with a pentagram
Carves inverted crosses in my armchair, drops shit everywhere that looks like spam

And so I called the local priest, I thought he'd exorcise my beast
But what he saw made him flee in terror, Kitty's head revolved like Linda Blair
He smokes my pot and snorts my coke, drops my 'cid and drinks my beer
When he starts meowing backwards, my skin begins to crawl with fear
Cleaned his litterbox yesterday, gave myself quite a scare
Human skulls and voodoo dolls, you wouldn't believe what's buried there

And late last night when I got home, I smelled firey brimstone
But not five feet from where I fell Kitty opened up the gates of Hell
There was Satan in all his glory just beyond that hellish gate
Motioning Kitty to come to him with a look on his face that was quite irate
My eyes were burning my head was reeling I was choking on the smell
Then I lept and grabbed my Kitty, kicked that cat straight to Hell

Oh yeah, boy- kick it

Now I lay awake at night, I try to lock away my fright
Of the awful sound that fills my skull- Hellcat cries when the moon is full

Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Halloween Special (oral sex trilogy part IIIa)
Suck the Frankenstein Monster's stubby dick (ungh)
Lick Dracula's musty bootyhole (moo-ha-ha-ha-ha)
Sniff the Creature from the Black Lagoon's crispy fish stick (glub)
Taste a werewolf's hairy cock motherfucker (Awhooooooooooooo)

Suck a Monster's Dick 
Suck a Monster's Dick
Suck a Monster's Dick
Suck a Monster's Dick

Tongue the Phantom of the Opera's crusty nuts with Cheez Whiz
Snack on King Kong's dong with Best Foods Real Mayonnaise
Eat out Freddy Kruger's lil' smokie with Bulls Eye Bar-B-Que sauce
Gobble down Godzilla's scaly shlong with  Hershey's Chocolate Syrup

Suck a Monster's Dick
Suck a Monster's Dick 
Suck a Monster's Dick
Suck a Monster's Dick

Rock over London
Rock on Everott
Red Bull... it gives you wings

Mean Jean (hear it!)
This is a song about Jean
We call her Mean Jean
And we call her  Mean Jean
'Cause she's so gosh darn mean
She's kind of a witch
And kind of a snitch
I bet you thought I was gonna say bitch
But no, I said witch
Then I said snitch
But I didn't say bitch

This is a song about Paul
We call him ball-less Paul
And we call him ball-less Paul
'Cause he's a little lacking in the fucking ball department
He ain't got no emotion
He won't give me no promotion
No, not ball-less Paul
Oh, no not Paul

Funny how it seems that the people that don't know beans
Always wanna be the ones to spill 'em
Some people who are alive only manage to survive
Because it's against the law for me to kill them

This is a song about Scott
He's known as Scott the Snot
And we call him Scott the Snot
'Cause he's such a mother fucking cocksucker
He's a great big piece of shit
He's got the kind of face you wanna hit
But that's against the law and that'd be wrong
I know instead I'll sing this stupid fucking song

Sonny Kobe Cook
Sonny Kobe Cook
You make me want to love you 
With your saucy wedge
And your triangular head 

Oh, Sonny Kobe Cook, take another look at me, Sonny

Sonny Kobe Cook
You make my heart soar higher
Than the wings of a dove
Please show me the ways of love

Sonny Kobe Cook
You are such a goddess
We are all your converts
But don't let me catch you messin' roun' with Jack Roberts

Sometimes, late at night, when I'm all alone in my
SECRET PLACE, where nobody can see me
TOUCH MYSELF, I grab an old tube sock
And I imagine Sonny Kobe Cook's face
On Gillian Anderson's body!

Sonny Kobe Cook
Please let me into your heart
We could share a spleef
Then go to Les Schwab's for free beef

You fuckin' bitch

Beef Kurtain Theme Song
Beef Kurtain, da beefy Beef Kurtain
Beef Kurtain, so big and beefy
Beef Kurtain will rock your ass & that's for certain
We're Beef Kurtain and we're comin' to get you

Beef Kurtain- low brow, high-tech, rock you like a train wreck 
Beef Kurtain- mad skillz is what we got, straight outta Everott

Beef Kurtain, da beefy  Beef Kurtain
Beef Kurtain, better lock up your daughters
Beef Kurtain, classic style like Richard Burton
We're Beef Kurtain so fuck you shut up

E-mail Song  (hear it!)
E-mail, e-mail, e-mail
You write 'em, he reads 'em
E-mail, e-mail, e-mail
With Andy Savage at the End 

Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Christmas Special  (hear it!)
Suck Kris Kringle's wrinkled dingle with Dairy Gold egg nog
Lick Frosty the Snowman's Hostess Snowballs
Sniff Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer's fuzzy-wuzzy Yule Log
Taste the Grinch's green stinky-winky, motherfucker

Suck a Christmas Dick
Suck a Christmas Dick (you know you want it, bitch)
Suck a Christmas Dick
Suck a Christmas Dick

Tongue the Little Drummer Boy's Pa rum pa pum pum
Nip on Jack Frost's roasted chestnut with Nestle's Toll House morsels
Choke on Santa's North Pole with some Cool Whip non-dairy whipped topping
Gobble down Yukon Cornelius's cock, you fuckin' fruitcake

Suck a Christmas Dick
Suck a Christmas Dick (you know you want it, bitch)
Suck a Christmas Dick 
Suck a Christmas Dick 

Rock over London
Rock on Everott
Sleep Country USA...why buy a mattress anywhere else?

Rock N’ Roll Kill Your Gramma
Punch her in the stomach if she gives you any sass
Turn around and kick her in the butt, in the butt
Rock n’ Roll Kill your Gramma

Smash her rotten fingers, step on her dirty toes
Take a razor sharp knife and stab her in the nose, in the nose
Rock n’ Roll Kill your Gramma
Rock n’ Roll

Buy some firecrackers and then if you get the blues
Stuff ‘em up in Granny’s twat and light the fuckin’ fuse
Cut her fucking head off if she gives you any sass
Then you turn her around, spread her cheeks
And shove it up her butt, up her butt
Rock n’ Roll Kill your Gramma

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