behind

Behind the Kurtain
A virtual cyber-potpourri of anecdotes, tidbits, and general bullshit on your favorite meatheads.

Chris is green Mark is black Hodgy is blue

Origins of the Kurtain

Beef Kurtain’s original bassist Tim Lucas parted the band very abruptly, leaving the ‘Kurtain hanging with six shows coming up, including a show just four days away. Mark and I invited anyone that had a clue about bass playing to come up and try out live! We had three people try. One person couldn’t wait to get off stage after hearing Mark belt out the chorus to "Ate Yo Mama Out."

Tim Murphy of the scrap-metal band No Evil was gonna fill in on bass for the ‘Kurtain for a while until we were able to find a permanent fix. The day of his first rehearsal Mark and I waited and waited for Tim to get there. And then this guy shows up in a Dominos pizza shirt and bass case in hand. Hodgy was told about the ‘Kurtain through Tim Murphey. We rocked on like a majickist right away. The second time we played together was at Jimmy Z’s, two days later.

I knew Tim Murphy from several months before when he was at my house trying out for The Almighty Needledick. He was a pretty good guy, and funny, too. I’d been wanting to pick up my bass and get back into playing it for a while, but didn’t want to get into any major band commitment, so when I ran into Tim at the Hurricane Café one night it was like some bizarre cosmic plan was falling into place. I was just stopping in for a minute to hopefully check out the Mentors tribute band Northwest Breeders when Tim came up and started chatting with me. I don’t remember how the conversation went, but he said there was a band named Beef Kurtain at his practice place that he was filling in for on bass, and I should go over there and check ‘em out the next day when they were practicing. He said they had a bass rig and everything so I wouldn’t have I thought that was a swell idea, so we exchanged numbers and I left.
I remembered the name Beef Kurtain from a CD I had gotten at a Seattle Metal Online meeting a couple of months before. It was a hard CD to forget, for the cover only- the graphic was a collage of a bunch of dicks. And I don’t mean people who are assholes (like the ‘Kurtain), I mean cocks, ding-dings, penii, johnsons, etc. I briefly met one of the guys at that meeting, but I don’t know if it was Mark or Chris, since I had trouble telling them apart for months. Anyway, the next afternoon I called Tim for directions to "the sheds" in Everott. I tracked down the CD and popped it into my computer, not sure what to expect. I’m pretty sure I hadn’t listened to the music at all before then, but I was confident I wouldn’t have much of a problem learning the 3 songs on it, ‘cause I’m so fucking great. I listened to the first track "Britney" once before I picked up my acoustic and ‘whipped it out’. This wasn’t brain surgery or anything, so I quickly ran through the other 2 songs "Ate Yo’ Mama Out" and "Sonny Kobe Cook" before loading my trusty 4-string into the Vanosaurus and cruising up North to Everott.

I showed up at the sheds and just kinda wandered around, not knowing what room they were in, let alone what the guys looked like. I approached the first open door I saw and poked my head in. Two dudes in shiny shirts were sitting there talking, looking a little bit down. "Are you guys Beef Kurtain?" They looked surprised and confused. "Uhhhh, yeah," one of them said. "I’m Hodgy. Tim Murphy said you guys need somebody to play bass." Then the sun broke through the clouds over Everott, the rain stopped and flowers bloomed. Birds sang and babies smiled. A new friendship was born.

They couldn’t believe it when I said I knew some of their songs already, so we jammed and I half-assed it through. I guess that was enough. I spent the next couple of hours learning their reportoire, then left the guys with smiles on their faces. I returned a half-hour later because I left my wallet on the bass amp and needed to buy beer. "Hodgy, I love you," Mark said.

The songs

Britney was written at Chris’s apartment on Casino Road back when he was still livin’ with Mike (Milsom of Static Bloom). It started out as an excuse to use the line about "a big, fat, juicy corndog" and after a couple of tweaks, just seemed to write itself.
This is the first song on the album, as well as our usual set opener. I like the 'OB Rezo' keyboard patch on the intro and mid part. It's only one note, so I can play it like a keyboard wizard (like Liberace).
I got suspended a day from work when I tried to send Britney Spears a copy of this song hidden inside a box in a Jansport order. And I would have gotton away with it if it were'nt for those meddling kids! My boss actually got a kick out of it. Check out the write up here.

Monkey Butt is a song my grandmother taught me as a wee li’l bairn.
One of the first 'new' songs I was involved with during the writing process. We fuck this one up live more than any other in our scant reportoire.
This is one of my favorite songs to play live, when I don't fuck it up.

Pot was written back when I was friends with Chris McFeron. I’d go over there, get way baked and strum his acoustic. The idea was to write a cute little sing-a-long about my favorite vegetable.
Weed is for damn dirty hippies.
Only the most dedicated potheads can figure out what movie the sample in the mid section of this song is from.

Everott is my attempt to immortalize our hometown of choice. Apologies to Kenny Loggins, but the only song of his I like is that one from "Caddyshack"
I've had my former room mate's truck stolen twice in Everott, and had to sit around half the night because of another stolen car in the same block. Makes me pissed. The vocals really took off during the recording of this tune, making a 4 chord knocker into a classic BK Rocker.
I remember laughing my ass off so hard in the studio when recording this one because it was the first time I realized what the lyrics said.

Chris McFeron My friendship with CMcF was a casualty of the three strikes rule when he cost me my job. I actually wrote the music and first verse at his house and had his blessing back before the straw that broke the camel’s hump. The later verses were posted up here on our web page and I heard that he read them with ‘that girl’ peering over his shoulder. I guess that ensures that the worst damage this song is possible of has already occurred.
Chris actually requested this song the last time he came to a show. Believe me when I say that we have PLENTY of fodder for 'Chris McFeron, Part 2'.

Fish Taco I wrote the music first and added lyrics later. ‘Round that time we were practicing at Hump Daddy’s space in a labyrinthine basement full of plumbing supplies.
One of two songs I played with a pick on the album, 'Taco' was probably the most difficult BK song for me to learn when I joined the band (that didn't stop us from playing it at a gig a few days after). I REALLY like the tone I got on this beatch- it's just Ugly. I overdubbed the bass solo a couple of months later, keeping about 8 takes that I actually let anyone else hear. The one that made the cut has the fewest fuck-ups.

Patrick Swayze Gary Rodgers inspired this song and he knows why.
This is the first song I have a BK songwriting co-credit on. I had been listening to Charlie Drown's excellent album 'Silent Rizing' every day and was influenced to break out Chris's keyboard. The intro is what happened. I think my fave part is the 'Boinnnnnnng' spacey thing just before the last verses. It makes me laugh every time. Second runner up is the endless 'On and on and on and on' at the end. I had to really sell that part to the guys.

Kitty Kat Back before I had a four-track, I use to make home recordings with and old tape recorder and call it DMP (Disembodied Monkey Penis). This was one of four songs I wrote one day while operating a compressed fire-log machine. This is the oldest composition on the album and I’m pretty much sick of it but there you go.
Our old pal Hugh Munguss, of the Almighty Needledick, came in to do the guitar sola, and really blasted out a shredder after half a bottle of Jagermeister. Unfortunately, I drank the other half and recorded direct instead of miking a cab, which would have made the result much more shred-a-licious. Munguss told us to fuck off, he didn't care if it sounded like shit, he wasn't coming down to re-record ever. We sifted through 15 takes before settling on the one on the album. I couldn't decide what kind of keyboard part I liked over the mid-section after the sola, so we layered 3 parts and it turned out bitchin'. I used a pick on this song. Check out the super bass fill near the end. I kick ass (after 10 takes).
This was the first song I recorded with Mark on my 4-track. That recording trapped a cool vibe that we had to expand on. I quickly out grew that recorder. This was also the song that got me playing drums more seriously.

Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Halloween Special If you know Wesley Willis then you get it. If you don’t, well, it’s still funny. First in a projected four-part spin-off from the Oral Sex Trilogy which includes "Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Christmas Special" (available on the SMO Christmas EP-2001), and the upcoming "Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Star Wars Special" and "Love Theme from the Wesley Willis Disney Special."
Thanks to the magic of stage craf', we transform into spooky monsters for the live version of this song- Mark becomes the Franken-Mullet, Chris is the Wolf-Rocker, and I of course am the Count. Maybe it's because I'm the only one with a sense of meter and time.
Mark brought to my attention Wesley Willis and at first I didn't know what to think. The Kurtain got to see Wesley live, and it was something else! If you ever get chance to see him, DO IT!

Ate Yo’ Mama Out I originally intended to play this song only for appreciative audiences or as a ‘fuck you’ to hostile crowds. Now I just don’t give a damn. After repeated exposure, even the most offensive lyrics become just words.
I was forced to break out the My-T-Whistle for this one, the proverbial 'Thing that goes Wheeeeeee'.
I'm sure everyone has ate somebody's mom out at one time or another. Slurp!
Christ knows I have...

Puckered Sphincter Another old DMP song. P.S., made the album as a fluke. Since the Beef Boys are adverse to hidden tracks, here it is in all it’s throbbing, throbbing glory. That’s because hidden tracks are more played out than your mom. Everybody and their grampa’s dog have hidden tracks on their albums now adays, so FUCK THAT!! It was MAYBE cool 15 years ago, but come on… enough already. You wanna be cool? Then do something original and leave the hidden bonus tracks for the bands with a fan-base that has that kind of mentality. We’re Beef Kurtain, goddammit, not Tool. Nobody can figger out what the fuck they’re talking about anyway.
Although the solo on this one sounds like a tortured sea-monkey, no animals were harmed during the making of this song.

Mean Jean Based on a true story, the names have not been changed because no one is innocent.
I came up with the rambling, fill-based bass line the second time I played this song. It was live on stage at Jimmy Z's. Isn't that special?
She's so goddamn mean!

BK All good rock bands need a cool theme song. For right now, this is ours.
I laughed for a half-hour while recording the backing vocals for this, using my trusty old Digitech Whammy pedal. It truly tickles my meat bag.
The idea and lyrics for this one have been around for awhile, it's about time we recorded it.

Sonny Kobe Cook At her prime, she went through more mattresses than you could shake a proverbial stick at and that’s not a bad thing. In her smart little get-ups, she epitomized class and sauciness. We wish her health and happiness and our condolences to Jack Roberts.
The album version of this is special because of the wacky disco-phased mid section where Chris and I actually play instead of just standing around drinking beer.
Yeah, yeah drinking beer.

Love Theme >From the Wesley Willis Christmas Special
The second installment of our WW tribute. I got to do my stupid elf/ Rudolph the Red-nose reindeer impression. Check out the lyrics, this shit is fucking hee-larious.

White Trash Christmas
One of my personal fave BK tracks. It is damn catchy.

Secret Sauce
This one made it's first appearance on the EP 'Living Room Daze', it's second appearance on the EP 'More Songs About Buildings and Poop', and was resurrected in 2003 for the 'No Shit' EP. It just won't die.

Rock N' Roll Kill Your Gramma
I love the Heavy Metal break part.

Third Date Etiquette
From the 'No Shit' EP, this song makes nice usage of the words 'crunked' and 'ba-doink-a-doink'.

Anyway You Want It
One of many covers we've done, this time we torment the Journey classic. My friend (and partner in the Charlie Drown band) Kull whips off on a nice guitar solo. For the gang vocals at the end we threw a party and stuck a couple SM58's up and let the crowd go wild. We call them the Beefkateers.

Whisker Biscuit
Like 'Secret Sauce', this song is old as hell. Unlike 'SS', we haven't gotten this one revamped enough to actually be cool yet.

The name

I was playin’ bass in a band where I was recruited to fill a slot. When I showed them some of my more ribald songs, they were reluctant to play them. They like to think they were ‘serious’. I have nothing against songs that try to get people to think, but some of this self-absorbed navel-gazing smacks of the kind of trite smugness and exaggerated sense of importance that I do my best to avoid. In this particular band we had a clash of tastes when it came to a name. One guy wanted it to be "The (something)", and someone else wanted it to be called the "something else," or whatever, and then they accused me of wanting us to be called "Beef Kurtain" (note: our ‘K’ was meant to be kute but also helped to distinguish us from "Beef Curtain" {with a ‘C’} who are some really strange guys that once called themselves that for a while). I hadn’t thought of it before but it struck home with a resounding feeling of RIGHTNESS (that band of guys eventually decided on the name "Doppeltorso" after an H.R. Geiger painting… go figure).

The releases

No Shit.